12 weeks..............

Look at me....12 weeks in Seattle and I haven't fled yet!!! Theo had kept saying that he didn't think I would stick around 3 months later yet here I am, proving him wrong. I should mention for a good portion of that time I could not even travel so even if I tried to flee, I am sure airport security would have stopped me. Especially when they noticed I was exceptionally larger than any pregnant person known to man.........again, circus managers are trying to recruit me.

A few changes in the past week or so...................

This past Monday was my first day without Theo or my mom. It was also Athan's first day of summer camp. Being alone normally wouldn't bother me, but the getting Athan up in the morning and to school on time etc. was my big fear. First of all, and this may surprise most of you, I don't enjoy mornings. I don't enjoy waking up actually but I really don't enjoy it in the morning. Anything before 9am actually makes me mad. 

So I was more concerned about getting Athan up and ready for school, plus getting myself to look normal and getting the baby changed and ready and fed and then changed again and then taking a moment to cry to myself in the closet and then changing the baby again and getting Athan to eat his breakfast(muffins and milk) and trying to tell him that he should play nice and listen to his teachers and not do kung fu panda on anyone and then getting the baby to stop crying and then trying to have a cup of coffee(or as I think of it, the deterrent for child abuse) and then trying to find keys and changing my pants because these rubbed up against my stitches and then remembering to bring his jacket and then changing my shirt because I ws leaking and then making sure I had my keys again and key card and wondering why there is this crying in my neighbors condo and then finally getting the kids in the car and then racing to get to the school a little early so the other parents wouldn't know right away that I will forever be the parent whose child has 50 million tardies and none of them will actually be his fault. Once that was done I was totally fine. I did, and do, have a few gripes about the summer camp though. Now, I realize things are not always done the way I believe they should be. I am still uncertain why that it, but it is and I have learned to adapt. However.............

When I arrived at the school, there were not clear signs as to where the classrooms were located. It was not the main school as I assumed but rather some buildings in the back. Ok, not a problem, but definitely something I would have marked clearly.

Upon entering the school with Athan in tow and Alex in his stroller, no one actually asked me who I was or where I was to go. Finally  after the 3rd person simply said Hello to me, I turned to the one person and said" So, how does this work?" I was then asked what classroom my child was to be in and that I should sign in. I did as told. I asked where the teacher was and she was not there already but I should have Athan-----who they called Ashin and the Athen(like Athens but no S) to go play for abit until school started(remember I got there early!) Anyhoo, I spoke to the program director and asked her to explain the program a bit more to me and about the field trips and all the fun stuff that seemed to happen during the hours my child WAS NOT there. I told her that after learning all the fun stuff would be for all day children, I would have signed him up for the all day not just half day. She did say that Athan would be allowed on full day field trips etc but that yes, it was not clearly stated in the program enrollment----again, something I would have made sure of.

So I turned to Athan and told him I was going to leave but that I would be back in a little bit. I told him to play nice and with the other kids who were in his class and playing near him.------at this time there were three other kids playing at the table Athan sat down by. 2 of the three appeared normal while the 3rd growled something at me. It made me think that A) this is exactly who Athan is going to want to hang around with and B) I wish I taught him in Greek to understand the phrase "stay away from that one". Athan seemed maybe a little uncertain  about me leaving for maybe 5 seconds and then said bye and gave me a kiss. I got into the car and that's when I started to cry. I thought I would be more hysterical crying but it was actually a very slow, heart wrenching, broken hearted kinda cry.........doves were falling from the sky from my heart ache, harps began to softly play in correlation to my falling tears, and the sky turned gray from sorrow. I really was very upset.

I know it's only stupid day camp and it's not the first time he has had a class where I wasn't with him but it was the first time he had a class where he didn't know anyone.......he usually had his trusted partner Taylor to goof around with. Plus, I don't know anyone there and he didn't know anyone so it's very upsetting to know you are leaving your child to fend for himself.

So, the time finally comes to pick him up.....the class is only 3 hours long. Anyway, I come to the school and go to the classroom and the teacher is still doing class with all the kids because the half day kids are with the full day kids so the teacher takes like 5 seconds to let the half day kids go to their parents and then resumes class. So Id idn't egt to ask her anything. But, as I was getting Athan ready to go, Miss Sue---the teaching aid--comes to me to discuss Athan. Miss Sue, who seems lovely, told me two things that disturbed me. Miss Sue is also a foreigner. I mention this because I thought there may have been  language issue at first. Also, because I am sure that if I make disparraging remarks about Miss Sue, I will use her being a foreigner in my insults( I can do this as my parents are foreigners so I have that "free pass" to mock what in essence are my own types). She stated that when Athan was told to clean up, he said no and wanted to keep playing............perhaps this is something I could work on at home she stated. Also, he didn't want to wear his name tag. Now, he actually did have a name tag on the back of his jacket as did most kids so obviously he eventually got it on. The name tag by the way had his name spelled wrong "ATHEN" is not his name. This isn't difficult. His name is similar to Nathan only without the N. Listen if the Greeks can figure this out, everyone should be on board.

Work on getting him to clean at home......something I should work on with him at home....telling a 3 yr old to put down his toys so he can clean and he didn't jump immediately to that command!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's it......it's ass beating time!!!!! Listen Miss Sue-------if that's your real name-----Sue being such a popular name from the small communist cold war country you finally escaped from after being ordered from some magazine only to escape that man's clutches and end up here in America in my son's summer camp----telling a 3 yr old to clean up and them not jumping at the chance is what we can normal. I realize that you were brought up  differently. But since chances are you never even had a toy growing up other than the mop you were given as your birthright combined with the fact that you already were in the middle of cleaning while playing with your mop, please understand that 3 yr olds don't get excited to clean the way you do.

But, I will take your suggestion and mull it over. Now mind you, when I got Athan in the car I did go over the cleaning issue and listening to teachers, even Miss "Sue", etc etc. Athan told me about his day and that he played with some kids but didn't know anyone's name. He played mostly with some girl----he now refers to her as Iron Woman so who knows who that is---and he mentioned his snack of graham crackers. So overall, he did not appear too scarred.

The next day I did go in and speak with Miss Kris, the lead teacher. I asked her Athan was the day before and how this works about getting info on how he did for the day. Does she take time out to tell me am I to rely on the "surely she is undocumented" Miss "Sue" or what. How does this place work I asked her. She said that she Athan did fine yesterday. I told her what Miss "Sue" had told me and she said that Miss "Sue" shouldn't have said anything since A) it's a new setting for most of the kids and new routine B) Athan is only 3 C) The kids are all trying to adjust D) Miss "Sue" is a communist and militant about children obeying.  Also, Miss Kris said that if Athan does it after a week then it would be something to address but the first day is a big change for kids etc. etc. Anyone with half a brain understands why you shouldn't tell a parent that your child's first of school would have been better had he been trained to clean more and play less. Now, I told Miss Kris as well that "Athan" pointed out to me that his name was misspelled. I explained that It's Nathan without the N not Athen without the S like the town in Greece that was the starting point for democracy, language, philosphy etc.  She then turned to Athan and said "Athan if your name is spelled wrong, let me know." Here is where my lie came in.........Athan did not notice his name was spelled wrong because first of all the name tag was put on his back so how could he see it. Second, I don't think he would even notice it was spelled wrong. But he does know how to spell his name so maybe he would have but I doubt it. I noticed it was spelled wrong and didn't want to be a huge bitch and rat myself out about his name being spelled wrong. But it does drive me crazy............They spelled Athanasios right but Athan throws them for a loop. Why am I spending Theo's hard earned money on this camp if you can't spell my child's name correctly?!!!

After picking Athan up that afternoon, Miss Kris said he did fine etc. When asked, Athan told me about his day and playing etc. He mentioned snack time which was waffles. He adores Waffles but only Eggo Waffles....anything else he and refuses them. When asked if he ate the waffles, he said no that they were not good--which means they were not Eggos-------I asked him what he told the teachers and he said that he told them "no thank, we have food at home". I about shit bricks. How funny is that.

The morale of this lesson is that obviously Miss Kris and Miss "Sue" don't realize how special and talented and charming and funny Athan is. I say this because what Miss "Sue" should have said to me was" what an amazing and talented boy you have. We are honored that he is in our class. Your child is too funny!" But they didn't seem that enamored by him. They actually treated him like he was JUST ANOTHER CHILD. But that's not how Theo and I treat him. My parents don't treat him like that. Auntie Janelle doesn't treat him like this. No one in my office treats him like this. His Uncles and Aunt and our friends don't treat him like that. We all treat him like he is Special. Could it be that he is not as special as we all thought he was? I mean is that what I am supposed to take away from this? I mean right now Athan is telling Alex that we are all his friends and that we are all here to take care of him. How could this child who is telling Alex that he is a good brother and kissing his head be someone who has teachers that don't realize how great he is? This perplexes me but I am willing to roll with it for a bit and let the teachers grow into Athan. I am sure in due time, once they are done being overwhelmed by students, that they will see Athan as the most miraculous boy in the word, just as we all have.

11 weeks....................

I wrote this the night before I went into the hospital but wasn't able to post it and just remembered now to put it up:

 

Tonight may be my last night I am ever pregnant. Tomorrow I am due to go to the hospital to deliver. I think I am lucky in that I will know when I am delivering instead of waiting for nature to take it's course. When that happens, there is such a panic and mad dash that you don't have time to notice the "last" of things and to take a moment to acknowledge them. I tend to mourn those "last" moments. But as I said, tonight may be the last night I am ever pregnant, the last time I will ever go to bed with a baby inside of me, the last night that it is just Theo, Athan and myself in our little family. I tucked Athan in for the last time as an only child. And tomorrow will be my last morning waking up with a baby inside of me. I am sure as I lay in the hospital tomorrow I will wait to feel the last kick I may ever feel with a child inside of me. It makes me sad. This little baby has been kicking the life out of me for the past few months and now, with only a few hours to go, I am trying to hold onto every moment and feeling in case it's my last. If nothing else it's the last with this particular child. I remember feeling the same with Athan but knowing I would have another child.

 

With Athan, it was more this is the last time with my first child. Now it's a feeling of my last time with what may be my last child. It's not just with this though. The "last" of things has been on my mind since Athan was little. The last time he couldn't say a word properly, the last time he called lollipops "hop pops", the last time he thought my office was Linda's house, the last time he mostly babbled instead of spoke clearly, the very last diaper he had, etc. I can remember the first because, well it's the first. You know when he has never done something before, but how do you recognize when something is the last. Everyday he does something that is just slightly different then before but so subtle that I don't really notice it until one day I realize that he has completely extinguished a behavior and I forgot to capture that moment of his "last". Just today, as he called me "mom" I explained that my name is Mommy and I would prefer if he called me that. He stared at me and told me that my name is mom. I said yes it is but I would prefer if he called me mommy and that would make me happy. He finally agreed and stated "ok mom". You know what he calls me now? Mom. He doesn't care that Mommy is the name I like. He only cares that he is growing up and that mom is what I should be called. I have gone through video that we have taken to see if anywhere on there is Athan calling me "mommy". I haven't found it yet. But I have figured out that for a Twizzler Athan will call me anything I want him too.

 

So I get my Mommy fix but I wish I could remember when was the last time he called me mommy just because. Now I will have a new baby that will call me Mommy. I don't care how many Twizzlers it takes, but that kid is gonna call me mommy until I say so.

 

11 weeks:

 

It's been 11 weeks in Seattle and I finally made a new friend. Literally I "made" a new friend. Alex arrived on June 10th it what I can only describe as a weird delivery. I am sure it was no weirder than anyone else's delivery other than it was happening to me and therefor makes it a unique experience. Anyway a quick run down.........Mrs. Kalpakidis arrived on Thursday and that was nice. She burst into tears upon seeing me which made me think she was unhappy with my hair or noticed I didn't stop biting my nails but she surprised me by shedding tears of being happy to see me. She came Thursday midafternoon and can I tell you that by the end of that night she had done more to prepare for our new baby than I had in the 2 months leading up to it!!!!! I felt bad for a moment. But then I told her I waited to do all this stuff so she had something to do:)

 

Friday morning was fine....packed a few more items, kissed mom and athan good bye and left for the hospital. Arrived, checked in, changed into one of those fantastic gowns--they should really sell these fabulous gowns on the outside as they would be all the rage! I ran into a little trouble as I was not supposed to eat or drink anything 8 hours prior to prep for surgery. However, I could have sworn that I was fine to drink water. So I did drink water all night. Well Marie the nurse informed me that no, I must have made that up in my head(I think I may have as well so I didn't try to fight that remark) and because of that my surgery may be delayed---------it would depend on my doctor. Can I tell you Theo seemed the most put out by this. I told him I was sorry that I was so desperate for water that I must have hallucinated the doctors order....I was only trying to keep myself and our baby alive!!! Ok, it was not so dramatic but you get the point. Anyway, I apparently have a doctor that doesn't think I will aspirate so he said we are still on for surgery. Then some very awkward and embarrassing things happened to me...........I won't say what they were because as I said, they were awkward and embarrassing so why would I repeat them(i'll tell some of you what they were when I see you). got wheeled away to the or and strapped down after i was given my epidural. Epidurals are heavenly. seriously. they are fabulous!!!

 

I did freak out a few times while on the table. It's a very wierd experience...you feel very helpless and having half your body numb is very kooky. Also feeling the pressure of the doctors prepping you and cutting etc is very spooky. My doctors overall were pretty fabulous. My OBGYN---Dr. Heath Miller---would lean over the curtain to check in on how I was doing and joke with me. That's why when he asked me what I was naming the baby I told him we were naming him Dr. Heath Miller. I think he felt flattered so he took extra care in delviering the baby-------I feel bad now cause I lied. We didn't name the baby Dr. Heath Miller. Anyway, after a bit of tugging and pulling, they got my little baby out. They held him up and he was all goopy and crying but he looked fabulous to me. They did what they needed to do and then gave him to Theo. Then, and this was wierd, the one nurse took the baby from theo and laid the baby on me as well and told Theo he had to share the baby with me so she put Alex's head by my head. The problem was Alex still was kinda gross so when the nurse turned away I told Theo to take him away from my head. I was kinda nauseous at that point anyway and still kind out of it so having the baby that close was not a good idea. This nurse, who was nice, also wanted to have chats with me while I was drugged up and delivering so what can I say.

 

Afterwards the days were kinda blurry. However, here's what bothered me-----they only had me stay in the hospital for 48 hours. I tried to explain that at Good Sam. they let me stay for four days and that at Good Sam. they mde me walk after surgery after 24 hours not the 12 hours that these folks wanted me to do. I kept telling them that I just had a child....that a person came out of me....a human being who didn't exist a few months ago has just been sprung free from my body....

None of this impressed the nurses.

 

So in the end it was time for me to leave.....we packed up our precious cargo---the Percocet, Ibuproferen, gas X and the stool softeners. These are all necessities!!! Of course the baby was packed up as well but I was not leaving that hospital without those drugs. There was no way after 48 hours I was going home without those drugs.  I told my doctor to hit me up with the good stuff and I promised not to get addicted.

 

I think I am addicted to stool softeners.

 

So here we are now, Alex is a dream and I adore him so much. Athan loves his little brother and I believe he will continue that way until the baby wants his toys and then I imagine that Athan will knock him out. Theo has been fantastic about everything as usual. He does things that annoy me of course but I blame it more on me being annoyed that I am running out of stool softeners than him doing anything annoying.

 

So that's all I got for now. I am still huge and scary looking and I believe there are circus owners who are trying to recruit me for a sideshow......thank god we live in a secured building.

 

11 weeks in Seattle and I have already added to their population. I am a miracle worker!!

 

2 months---or technically 9 weeks.

Captains Log: Morale is low here in Seattle. Occupants in the condo are turning on each other. As the main occupant turner, I am starting to attack everything and everyone in the condo. No child(inside or outside of the womb) is safe. Theo is not safe. Toys are not safe. Laundry is not safe. My face is not safe. I am taking my desperation and spreading it to everyone and everything. I am fortunate it's rainy and gloomy here as it adds to the effect. Having done the math I realized that if we stick to the 3 year plan of Seattle, I have served less than 1% of my sentence. I now know what prisoners go through. And in one week, the warden comes...........that's right, Mrs. Kalpakidis is coming to stay for 10 days. This is both a blessing and a fear. I stay up at night thinking about it.

So, I am exhausted.That's the bottom line. I feel once the baby is out I can get some persepective----I mean also taking into account after the baby is at least a month. There is just so much to do!!! I am also irrate that I need to go get  a printer, I have shit to take care of about Florida, I have a baby that refuses to take it easy on me inside my belly, it takes Athan 3 hours to eat half a sandwich.........3 hours!!!! 3 hours!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even understand how he can tolerate me at him for 3 hours about a stupid sandwich. He eats bread all the time and chicken but if you combine them it is massive breakdowns!!!!!!!!!!!!! 3 hours. I want someone to devote themselves as an experiment and sit for 3 hours constantly repeating "just take a bite" "chew" "it's only chicken and bread" "Eat" "Just take a bite" "NOW" "That's it, you'll never eat anything again" "Please, just take one bite" "It will help your poops""Don't you want to grow big?""That's it....all your toys go in the garbage". Try that and see if you can make it out alive. I am also in pain cause of the baby. This is a very sensitive part I am going to admit to so if you are a boy, someone who has not been pregnant, or if you are related to me, stop reading and skip the next paragraph.





I have the worst vagina pains. I know that's not the technical term. It's not even necessarily my vagina but for lack of better terms I go with what I know. I have the baby kicking and moving, my back is in spasms and there is some annoying pain located near my vagina that is making it impossible for me to walk around without looking as though I am about ready to deliver. The boy at Toys R Us actually kept asking me if he could get me a chair as he was afraid I would deliver in aisle 7. If he was older I would have asked him if he could just choke me and put me out of my misery. But he was young and looked innocent.
Now the fun part is while Theo is very very understanding and sympathetic and helpful, he has on occasion stated, "I don't know why it hurts. Girls I have talked to said you shouldn't be in any pain" This statement is troublesome to me for various reasons but as I am in the throws of a vaginal cramp and gasping for air I do wonder, who are these girls and how stupid are they? I only imagine they have either not had babies in a long time and have forgotten what it feels like or again, very very stupid girls. There is pain that comes from exhaustion and being overwhelmed etc. and that is something I had with Athan as he was actually a great pregnancy. Then there is unmistakable pain that cuts through you and doubles you over, that makes the idea of having to walk another step  envious of people who are dead, that leaves you begging and reaching for strangers in stores to hold your hand and help you sit while you gently cry and open a lollipop for Athan in hopes that seeing his mother weep in a grocery store to strangers doesn't scar him for life. There is pain that wakes you up at night and makes you think I hope I am being stabbed and then are crest fallen when you realize you are instead only still pregnant. That is pain my friend. It usually happens late in pregnancy and when you are at your weakest emotionally and physically. This is what stage I am in now.


Ok, you can read again without being grossed out. This is all I can write for now as I believe I am going to start convulsing from pain soon and it makes it difficult to type and seize at the same time. Baby is due June 10. If I make it til then I will write more while in the hotel------I mean hospital(but really I mean hotel cause that's what I treat it like.) Also, I had two names on facebook for voting on which ones would be better.......it's a tie so thank you for nothing facebook friends. Go vote so I have a name for this child.